Standing still is not the same as settling

Do these come with frequent flyer miles?

Just click your heels three times and repeat: “There’s no place like home!”

I’m back in Canada and now looking to stay for a very long time, perhaps even permanently.

“Seriously? You?!”

Now, before you fall over with complete shock, hear me out. Just inhale deeply, grab a paper bag to breathe into if you must, and let’s move beyond pigeon-holing long enough to see the overall master plan.

When I began my international career I didn’t really know where it would take me – literally. I didn’t even really see myself as having an “international career.” I just knew when I finished university that my passions were writing, travelling, and photography – everything just kind of took off onto its own direction based on that.

I weathered the storms of assumptions, culture shock in every country, faux pas’ in every culture – many of which were experienced in returning to my own country. I have found through the years that the most interesting (and mostly frustrating) point in all of the movement was others’ assumptions that if you followed a different map in life, then clearly you must be lost.

I’m far from lost. I may not have always had 100 per cent visibility on the road ahead, but the destination, and many parts of the journey, has always been clear.

The big picture

Sunset in Koh Phangan

When I first left for Malawi on my first overseas posting I envied my boss’ job. She stayed in Ottawa for 70-80 per cent of the time, but had to frequently travel to various projects in Africa, Asia, and the Americas in order to check on these. She had a great house in a great neighbourhood with great friends and an apparently great social life. And then once every four or five months, she’d head to Burkina Faso, Bolivia, or Bhutan (etc.) to meet and greet, monitor and evaluate, do some souvenir shopping, and then return to Canadaland to prepare reports and feedback to the relevant people. I’ve always wanted this. Unfortunately, rather than getting the 20-30 per cent overseas time, I seem to have only ever done 100 per cent.

This has left me with a bit of a long-term conundrum. I have a family who doesn’t know where I am or what I’m doing most of the time (and worries regularly about protests, bombings, malaria, and where I’m going to find water to drink, never mind bathe in), friends who have just stopped asking when I’ll be home, a dating history that looks like an ad for Disney’s “It’s a Small World” attraction, and a “house” that requires baggage tags and small security locks on all the zippered pockets.

I’m tired.

7-year itch (or just dry skin from all the humidity?)

I’ve been told now by numerous sources, including by a surprisingly enlightened Thai massage woman, that major changes in everyone’s lives come every seven years. It isn’t hard to see references to this in popular cultures – the infamous seven year itch, the seven chakras of the body, 7-year intervals for cellular regeneration and hormonal fluctuations, and so on. I’ve hit one of the seven-year marks in life, and with it the changes are enormous.

Christmas in Chiang Mai

While in Sierra Leone I realised that I was no longer happy in what I was doing. It was time for a change.

With this in mind I left Freetown and headed for my favourite country (so far), Thailand. I love Thailand in that you can “live” there relatively cheaply, have amazing massages every week, enjoy stunning beaches and phenomenal rain forested mountains. Plus, the friends I have there are lovely and always up for a dinner out or for lending a couch to crash on when visiting. For me it’s a nice place to rest and recover from long journeys.

I arrived and went straight to Chiang Mai around Christmas/the winter holidays after some quick electronics shopping and catch-ups with various friends in Bangkok. It was really great seeing old colleagues and friends. And I’ll always love mu-ka-tah (a kind of barbeque, but at your table) and khao soi (a kind of spicy noodle dish) in the north the best – especially when shared with laughter and reminiscing.

The month after this was spent simply relaxing on the beach in the south, in Koh Phangan. I stayed at Bottle Beach, one of my favourite beaches, with a really good friend. Sun, sand, the sea – to say it was relaxing is an understatement.

A group hug at the meditation retreat

I then went into a one-month meditation and yoga program on the island. There are few times when a person gives themselves time to rest, reflect, appreciate, and reconnect in life. This was simply a time to give myself all of this. I will always be so thankful for the opportunity.

I stayed on to work for the retreat centre after this. Well, the truth is that I said and heard “work,” and they said and heard “volunteer.” Sadly, I may have lost some good friends over this misunderstanding.

I went on a couple Thai-based interviews for work, travelled to Bangkok, Khao Sok National Park (gorgeous!), and then back to Koh Phangan for some more rest and relaxation with a good friend from South Africa.

Resting uneasy with social unrest

All of this was amidst the bubbling up of tension in the capital and other cities around the country – from the now-infamous Red Shirt protesters. I didn’t get the job in Bangkok (which is fine – it wasn’t really in my area of interest anyways), and the protests made the other job (Khao Sok) cancel its hiring plans… so a call from frantic family members begging me to come home made me seriously rethink if I wanted to be in Thailand amongst all the issues, or home safe and sound with loving family and friends.

I didn’t manage to pick up all my storage items from Bangkok and Chiang Mai, which has posed some logistical issues. However, as my mom points out, “bags and stuff are replaceable, lives are not.” Now I know, let’s not be dramatic – I’ve been to war zones before and Thailand at this point is far from it. But in the end, I was in those war zones under the protective auspices of some pretty big players on the international development and humanitarian playing field. This time I was 100 per cent on my own and questioning what exactly my next steps were supposed to be. The bags will arrive in time.

And in them perhaps I’ll finally find those ruby slippers I seem to have used and then misplaced. Ah well, my old worn out Tevas will do for some summer fun of inter-Canadian meandering in the meantime.

There really is no place like home.

Zen and the art of motorcycle collisions

Something that all Thai Buddhists grow up inherently knowing is that change is the only constant. Ends are just brief periods of instability signaling a time of rebirth to come. There is nothing you can control; no attachments you can make.

I only wish we were taught such things from birth in the western world. Maybe then it wouldn’t always be such a shock to the system. Maybe then I could begin blog entries with something other than, “wow, so much has changed in the last X weeks/months…”

So I’ll be unique this time in saying, as expected by universal laws, I’m moving again.

The last year has been fantastic. I’ve been so busy enjoying my life that I’ve spent little time documenting it (and/or possibly bombarding readers with massive tomes that recount the numerous adventures of the past 4-5 months!).

So why am I hitting the airport tarmac once more? Well, the organization lost its core funding meaning a 70 per cent reduction in everything – including staff. Due to the global economic crisis all donor countries seem to be making a list and checking it twice to find out who’s naughty or nice. Basically, the long and short is that we have to close. I need to plan my next move.

I went through a trio of emotional waves around the event. The first was simply the shock of the loss of the job, my expectations and attachments, the programs and all the work I contributed to them in the last year and a bit. The second was realizing that I would potentially never again see many of the wonderful people I worked and played with, and maybe never returning to Chiang Mai or Thailand again. The third was when I actually had to sit down to a meeting where the topic was how best to deconstruct my programmatic constructions. It’s hard for an artist to see their mural taken apart or painted over. I’m trying to keep my pet Ego firmly locked away in her cage for the sake of “effective transference of programmatic priorities.”

I was asked about two months ago (long before I got the news) what my next career step was, what was the ‘5 year plan’? I answered honestly at the time that I really had no idea, that I had worked for the last six years to get to this current position and that I was so happy in it I really wasn’t thinking beyond that at this point. I’m now forced to reconsider the question in a new light.

Two motorcycle accidents in the same week that I learned of the job loss also contributed to a giant attitude adjustment.

Crashing

me in the mirror

I like to say now (after responding to the same question from 40,000+ well-meaning inquirers) that the accidents were the other guys’ faults, but the injuries were mine.

What I mean by that is that in both instances the guy came up around me and then made a turn that cut me off and forced me to hit my brakes quickly or hit him. The first time this happened it was easy to see who was at fault. Motorcycles are not always the most noticeable to SUV drivers. But after two incidents in one week, a whack of Thai friends telling me to “slow down! Jai yen yen! (trans: cool your heart)” even though I was only going max 20kms both times, and a job loss forcing me to contemplate life’s deeper plans… well, let’s just say that I had to seriously consider the reasons for this sudden string of events.

A more experienced motorcycle driver friend of mine offered the key to the puzzle – apparently (unknown to a novice like me) you’re always supposed to hit the back brakes first before the front, otherwise you flip over the handlebars at fast speed or, like in my case, you fishtail. Right, noted.

Revving too high

But the Thai friends were also right – maybe it is time to slow down. I’ve been revving my internal brain and work engine so high lately I definitely need a bit of a break. I’m thinking to head to the beach and take advantage of my 15 banked remaining leave days (large numbers of banked leave days = a definite indicator of overwork and accompanying need for regular doses of beach).

But it’s not all play and no work for Naphiri. There are a few whispers in the wind so I’m feeling positive about the next steps. There are a few nibbles coming in via the Inbox for possibilities in Asia. My plans at this point are:

a) finish all remaining work
b) sell off what I can, and what I won’t need, and give away the rest
c) hit the beach for a couple weeks (months?) vacation and R&R – as long as the money lasts
d) head back to Canadaland for some TLC from friends and family
e) continue on to the next destination, once determined.

a Thai beach boy looks out to sea on Koh Phangan

So the game plan, in a switch from the usual play, is to unwind from a year of very intense work (yes, as usual the work-play ratio was heavily lopsided) and then see where the wind takes me. Bet, my motorcycle, is aching to hit the road again.

This time I’ve learned the lesson. Slow down (we’re not just talking road speed here), take many deep breaths, hit the back brake first, and leave the attachments and insecurities at home. Everything happens for a reason.

Buddha bless us all.